Welcome! We're glad you were able to join us for the festivities. Please deposit all cards, tokens of love and former gifts in the repository provided. Wipe any blood into the puddle for the leeches at the base of the altar. Glad you like the music. That's Nick Cave's Murder Ballads.
Has anyone explained the rules? Let's go over them to ensure everyone has a good time. Love Sucks is for anyone who hates the forced consumerism and societal attempts to instill emotional insecurity of Valentine's Day, and/or is currently broken-hearted. Couples are welcome, but be advised that you are here on the sufferance of the singles. Public displays of affection, use of cutesy nicknames or squeaky voices, and declarations of love will be punished by boos and jeering.
Fresh heart and ripped out guts are in season, so feel free to eat as much as you'd like. We also have side dishes of grilled chicken hearts (and lungs and stomachs), golden eggs, rotten apples, and broken heart cookies. The blood sausage is on the way. Drinks are your choice of viper venom, toad milk, blood, and well-aged bile.
A note about our non-human participants. They're already being punished by attending in their true forms as leeches, snakes, worms, slugs, snails, pigs, rats, cockroaches, praying mantises, spiders, pigs, etc. Please confine all symbolic punishment of old flames to the voodoo dolls, cat o'nine tails, and other toys provided. All of the non-humans have fed recently, but do watch yourself in case they're already hungry again. I don't recommend you go into the bedroom, and if you do, try to step around the deflated body that the black widow is feeding on.
Discussion of why Valentine's Day is the most grotesque of Hallmark holidays is welcome. Tales of romantic heartbreak are acceptable, but please, only if they're interesting.
Enjoy the party!